Grief Triggers… Do They Ever Go Away?
Grief triggers can be awful, especially in the early stages of grief when everything seems to trigger you and put you in a downward spiral. I know in my experience with triggers, everything seemed to trigger me in the beginning, and it was frustrating and felt so hopeless that I’d ever be done with them.
Things like:
Coming home triggered me because it didn’t feel like home anymore, it felt empty.
Yet leaving home triggered me because it’s where I felt closest to my husband and I felt safe at home, I didn’t have to face all the unknows of the outside world.
Listening to any kind of love song, what was the dumb point of them, to remind me I didn’t have my husband anymore?
Making dinner was a constant reminder that I was only cooking for one and my two boys still being a baby and a toddler didn’t appreciate my homemade meals.
Seeing or hearing of any type of car accident.
Cutting the grass and riding on the lawnmower he so badly wanted and loved. I saw it as old and unreliable and would get mad at him while riding it for buying the stupid thing but now couldn’t feel good about selling it because it had significance to him.
Driving past the hospital where I went to go see him after his accident.
Driving past the funeral home we had his visitations in.
Going grocery shopping and walking past all his favourite foods that I use to buy just for him.
The leaves starting to change colour in the fall because that meant his death date was coming and I would start reliving the last few weeks we spent with him.
The first snowfall of the season because it reminded me of how the weather was the night, he had his accident.
Our anniversary dates.
Seeing farmers harvest their corn, it was how he spent most of his last day.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy, the show I was watching when he walked out the door.
Seeing an older couple together as its something I would never experience with him.
Going on social media and seeing everyone post their complete happy family doing activities together.
Taking my son to his first baseball game and seeing all the other dads play catch with their sons.
Selling the house that we bought together and brought our two sons up to from the hospital.
Driving past the church we got married in.
I could keep going but I think you get the point. Grief triggers can be everywhere and anything that holds any significance to your loved one.
Most of my triggers don’t affect me anymore and mostly only bring in happy memories and a smile if I think of them. They don’t cut deep like a jagged sword. Once I was able to acknowledge what my main triggers were, I could slowly work through them. When I began to accept my grief and acknowledge it, I gave myself permission to feel my emotions.
There are some triggers though that will stick with you and will bring in grief emotions many years in and no matter how much inner work you have done. For me, it’s seeing a car accident that mimics Jason’s.
*Trigger warning*
My husbands truck left the road as he was driving for undetermined reasons, it flipped, and he died on impact. The other morning while driving my boys to school, we saw a vehicle that had gone off the road into the ditch and was flipped over. Now I’ve always been transparent with my boys about their dad’s accident (age appropriate of course) to help them process their dad’s death. So, they do know that this accident would look like their dads. My oldest son says, “this accident looks worse than daddy’s.” Which was strange to hear him say as we never saw how exactly his accident looked although we do create images in our own head based on facts we are told. My youngest son says right after “what if the person in the car died?” To which I replied, “We send our prayers and love to anyone in that car.” Then que the tears that came streaming down my face. My body instantly reminded me and brought me right back to that day of receiving the knock at my front door that my husband had died.
But now being 5.5 yrs. into losing Jason, I was able to let the emotions I was experiencing ebb and flow though me. Accept and acknowledge what I was feeling and why I was feeling them. I didn’t shame myself; I didn’t get upset that I shouldn’t feel like this anymore. And guess what, with a few deep breaths and telling myself I am safe, everything is ok, I was out of that trigger and how it was making me feel.
Experiencing a grief trigger like this a few years ago would have had me spiralizing down into a dark deep hole. But I had so much to heal still back then. Seeing this list that I just wrote and knowing that most of those don’t trigger me anymore means I’m healing. But what does healing mean? To me it means not feeling the dark deep pain anymore but still knowing your grief will be affected from time to time. Your grief doesn’t ever fully go away, and the goal isn’t to feel grief anymore. Your grief will always be there, but it doesn’t have to feel so painful or cut so deep or leave you feeling like there is no hope.
It took me time though to learn how to sit with my emotions instead of running from them. It took time to accept and acknowledge all my grief. But within healing it’s important to remember the body remembers, its cradles those memories within and will show it to you in a flash as you pass a rolled over car in the ditch or hear your wedding song on the radio. Embrace how your body guides you if you chose to listen to it.
My body reminded my in a flash with the sight of a car rolled in the ditch and my son saying, “what If they died.” But I choose to listen what my body was telling me in that moment so I could ebb and flow with myself. So my feelings could be released as soon as I was done with them.
So, my question of “does grief triggers really ever go away?” The answer is no, not all of them. You will have them, but they do get easier, and they won’t cut so deep or last so long. It takes Time + Sitting with your feelings + Acceptance + Feeling + Releasing + Consistency = HEALING.
Trust with this process you will heal, and it will get better.
Much Love,
Julie